Ratchet To Righteous

I understand now. He had to completely break me down and send someone into my life to pull me out of survival mode, so I could truly be set free. I had to relive deep hurts and pains. He knew that in order for me to heal, I had to sit with the pain and feel it. He brought up everything that once came to destroy me, until I was no longer tied down by emotions I had buried deep. I spent years running from it, numbing it, living in constant survival mode, and using distractions just to avoid the pain.

In EMDR therapy, the first thing I had to do was create a timeline of traumatic events from my childhood, then work through each one using a strategy designed to process trauma. Looking back, I see now that I was being prepared for what was to come. It wasn’t until a year ago that I took everything I learned in treatment and began to apply it to every situation. I realized that all the pain I had buried was trying to purge itself from me. It wasn’t a pretty process, but it was absolutely necessary for my healing. I had to break the cycles of self-sabotage, toxic relationships, people-pleasing, and allowing others to project their trauma onto me through trauma bonds.

The truth is, I’ve lost a lot of good people in my life, but I trust that the separation was necessary for my healing. If someone couldn’t love me at my worst, then they weren’t meant for me. I no longer force anything or anyone into my life.

Recently, I had this revelation, and I’ve never felt such peace wash over me. I am so blessed and have so much to be thankful for. As a single mom, I’ve worked hard without ever receiving financial help, and I’ve never liked asking for assistance. I was taught to believe I could handle it all on my own. It was always just me and God’s angels that He brought into my life.

Right now, I couldn’t be more content, but my journey isn’t over yet. I’m just getting started.

To be continued…