Finding The Healing I Needed

As a single mom of 4 kids and so much trauma that I have endured over the past 20 yrs. I strive to continue to find healing that I need in my own heart. But how can I do that when I have 4 kids that I strive to also make sure they are emotionally ok and have everything they need in life. I realize that there is a lot of things that are out of my own hands and I can’t control. Especially coming from such a broken blended family. My first 2 children where from such a time where I was young and I didn’t even graduate high school when I became pregnant in high school. I never wanted things to turn out the way they did and I so wanted so much better for them but the harder it seemed that I tried the weaker I got. Then I met my first husband who then took in 2 children that weren’t his but took them in as if they where his. We even at one time prepared adoption papers after we had 2 children of our own. After our 2nd child things seemed to have been going well. At least I thought. I can’t even really grasp to try to even try to understand where everything starting spiralling down hill. He started his own business and I was working from home taking care of children. As I sit and think now it all starts with the things we allow in our lives. All I can think of is People, Places, and Things. All that I know things fell apart and it was like I was fighting a battle that I couldn’t  win and didn’t know how to even start to begin to find healing after “THAT NIGHT”. I tried and I may not have tried hard enough but for me it was easier for me to give up. I felt as if I gave up on everything. I got to a point that I didn’t even want to live anymore. I didn’t realize it then but I realize it now and the reason why I felt that way was because I found my confidence in the hands of others. Instead of who it matters most. The only one that was able to save me was my Father in heaven. He was in my heart for many years and I seeked him at all times even in my most broken days. I started giving him MY ALL in 2014 but the thing I did wrong was I married again. Taking things in my own hands I messed up again. It only became to be another spiral that I strived to get out of so that I would not drown. Since my separation and my divorce with him I strived to get healing but I allowed myself to jump into 2 more relationships since then. I finally realized and made a commitment to stay single for a year or even longer if I really have to. I need the right healing in my heart with all the trauma that I have endured with such a broken heart from ones that didn’t know how to love.

I have now been single for 9 months and to be honest I think that I am finally starting to really get the healing that I need and I don’t think it is going to be anytime soon that I am going to be another relationship with anyone. It is so important to not jump from one relationship to another so that you can find the right healing for yourself. Take care of yourself and know that you do not have to find your confidence in others. Be confident in your own skin and know your self worth.

A lot of things that have happened to me I brought on myself and now I have to deal with the consequences of a broken heart and striving each and every day to hold a blended family together being a single mother. In doing that you really find a strength that you never have and waking up each and every day not giving up. It is also so important on the people, places and things you allow run your life and your home. You have to protect YOU and set boundaries for yourself. When you allow the wrong things in your home or in your life especially when you are not aware of certain things, you set your own self up to spiral down hill. I would have saved myself a lot of heartache if I just didn’t give up the way I did before and maybe would have fought harder than but I just didn’t know how to apply or find the right people, places or things till now.

Chain Breaking Mom